My Favourite Rejection

Once upon a time

I was reading a book

I don’t usually read books

But I had seen this one on my shelf

And felt the pull to open it

After the first page

I sat down on my bed

After the second page

I opened up my schedule and cleared my next few hours

After the first chapter

I cleared the next two days

And I proceeded to fall in love

With a character

I was already working on a film at that time

And I realised that this book, it’s context, and it’s protagonist’s internal dialogue

Were a perfect fit in understanding the world in which my current role was influenced by

So the book stayed on me

Or more like

Stayed in me

Those chapters, paragraphs and lines

Filled me with a deep sense of expansion

I simply have never felt such a strong pull toward pages of a book before.

About a month later

I was staying at a hotel down in Tasmania where we were filming

And a dear cast mate and I were walking along the river which flowed in front of it

When he realised I was holding the novel

He exclaimed

“Oh! You’re going for that role too!”

Stop

My heart froze

I asked what he meant

But I knew what he meant

Deep down I knew

There could only be one thing he meant

“They’re turning that book into a film

I’m assuming you’re auditioning too?”

He said with joy

I didn’t even wait to get back to my room

I pulled my phone out and called my agent

“Mike

I tried

The casting director thinks you’re too old”

Now

I wouldn’t say I’m a pushy actor when it comes to auditions

In fact

I can’t recall another time where I insisted on going in for something

Where I pleaded

Or begged

I’m mostly prone to avoid conflict

And very much want to respect people’s roles in the industry

Not step into their lane

But when the body knows

The body knows

And goddamn

My body knew…

That role was mine

I had never felt so sure about a role being mine

I had never felt so sure that if I could just be seen for it

They would see what I see

They would see what I know to be true

That I was the best person for it

So

I kindly

But firmly

Asked my agent to please have another try

I knew the casting director

I believed at that time that I had been very respectful and generous in her roomover the years

So although it might be odd behaviour for me

There was a feeling of deep trust on my end in making that request

And a few hours later

My agent called back

“Your audition is in Sydney next week”

I took a breath

Jumped back into bed with my book

And began working on my next role

“It’s just meant to be”

I told myself.

I booked in with my coach

And was up at 1 am the following morning working with her online (as she was in NYC).

The process began

And with it came doubts

It was just a first round audition

I know how these things go

I put in effort

Time

Money

Energy

And chances are I’ll get rejected

So what’s the point?

But there was something different

A curiosity?

A breadcrumb of trust?

To give it everything

I felt alive

Strangely alive

So

I made the decision

I chose to behave as if I already had the role

To simply treat the audition process like rehearsals had begun

As if I was just working on my next gig.

I opened up my book

And I wrote

“How would I behave if I already had the role?”

Then brainstormed a list of answers

And that became my list of things to do

I wasn’t going to wait for their permission.

A week later

After living and breathing that character

I went into the casting room

Gave my work over to the lens

And surprisingly didn’t even have to wait more than a few hours to hear back from the casting director

They were happy with the work

Really happy

There was going to be a call back with the director in a few weeks time

Great

Plenty of time for me to keep playing with it

To keep living and breathing the character and his world.

Now

In the book

There was the most gorgeous descriptions of what it was like to be in the mountains where he lived

Those mountains are still undisturbed to this day in Victoria, Australia

So I decided to make the seven hour drive down to them

The mist welcomed me as I arrived

And swallowed me up for those three days

They gave me a taste

A smell

An experience in my body

Of what my character might have gone through

As he sat on those rocks and looked out into the ghostly floating sea of white

I drove down to the local town where he would have walked

I didn’t have time to waste

So I knocked on the local historian’s door

Told her I was playing this role

That I was already working on it in preparation for filming in a few months time

And begun pestering her with questions about life in those times

Now

I have jut paused writing to go through my emails back in 2017 when this was all occurring

And it’s quite strange to read through all the correspondence

The director I was working with on the film at that time

Who I got on incredibly well with

Was best friends with the director for the film that I wanted

And when she found out I as auditioning

She happily put in a word

My USA agent knew the producer

And when he found out I was auditioning

He put in a word

My colleague on the current film

Who I got on incredibly well with

Knew one actor who was already cast in it

So he put in a word too

My acting coach

Who I had already started working on the role with

Had dinner with the script writer’s wife

She too put in a word

So not only was I loving working on the role

Giving it everything my body wanted to give it

But people I loved working with were supporting me wholeheartedly

They had my back

They wanted me to get the role too

It honestly felt like I was being held

Working on an audition had never so free

So easy

So loving and supported

I felt so ready to start filming

Then

I had my callback

I went in to meet the director

And he asked me to improvise a speech about donuts

Donuts

Not sure donuts were being eaten by bush rangers 150 years ago in Victoria

But I slipped into some kind of hungry fantasy over different flavoured donuts

Afterward

We laughed

Shook hands

And I left

It wasn’t quite the same world I had been working on over the last few months

But I felt clear that if the core of the character was there

I would be happy to go in whatever direction the director wanted me to go

But when I got home

I noticed my thoughts became obsessive

God I want this

I want this so much

I want to keep working on this role

I want to keep working on this film

I began to feel vulnerable

Too vulnerable

It became terrifying

Dear god

What if I don’t get it!?

I have invested so much into this

I jumped onto a call my performance coach

“Angie

What if I don’t get this?

It will hurt so much

I can’t bare how much this one will hurt”

In her wise words as always

“Mike

Permission to feel what you’re feeling

If your body deeply wants this role

If your body deeply wants to keep working on it

Then let it lead

Let yourself want it

You’re allowed to want it”

So

I chose to keep going

I kept wanting it

I kept working on it

I kept re-reading the novel

Reading over the script

Listening to music

Researching the history

Working with my acting coach

And two weeks later

My agent rang

“Mike, I’m not sure it’s going to go your way”

My response even shocked me

I playfully responded

“I love this role, I am the best person for this role, I’m going to keep working on it :)”

And so I did

And every single time my agent tried to share a sense of doubt

Maybe to let me down lightly

I would respond with some kind of water-off-a-ducks-back-type remark

But the time came

When my agent eventually had to sternly convince me

That the role in that film

Was not going to be played by me

“Mike… It’s time to let this one go”

I was dumbfounded

I gave it everything

I gave it absolutely everything

My time

My energy

My money

My everything

And they’re telling me to stop working on it?

But

Surprisingly

I didn’t feel angry

I didn’t feel ashamed

Or embarrassed

Surprisingly

As I sat in a cafe in Broadway shopping centre in Sydney

I remember leaning back in my chair

And thinking to myself

“So that’s what it feels like

To give everything and still get rejected

To put all of myself out there

And for the results not to come”

I felt…

So

Damn

Proud

I felt…

So

Damn

Grateful

I smiled and said to my agent

“I don’t regret a thing”.

Over the last eight years of helping artists with their craft and career

I have found this to be true across the board

When artists give everything their body is wanting to give

When they don’t hold back due to the fear of rejection

Despite knowing the likelihood of failure

The effort becomes the reward itself.

The truth is

Years later

I don’t feel any sense of wishing or longing

That it was me who got to play that role in that film

Why?

Because I feel like I did.

No one will ever be able to take the joy of that creative process away from me

And for that…

I’m eternally grateful

Hope this helps

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