Who’s Advice to Listen to?

I use to train Jiu Jitsu with someone

Let’s call them “Mr. Helper”

Mr. Helper is a big sweetie

But every time we trained together

I felt a bit icky

There was a lack of harmony

My body felt heavy

Forceful

And there was a general sense of frustration

Why?

Well

What I began to notice

Was that Mr. Helper

Would tell me what to do

A lot

Advice advice advice

Now

Advice can be lovely

But there was something interesting going on

It wasn’t necessarily the advice that was being given

It was more so the factors around the advice

Here were some things I noticed

He would give me advice before I had even tried the movement for myself

He would give advice, and then give advice again, without letting me take the initial advice and try to apply it for myself

He would give me advice which I noticed was quite sloppy and unclear

And lastly

When we actually did rounds of sparring

I would tap him out

Multiple times

Quite easily

(Side note - I’m not the greatest at jiu jitsu, so this is saying a bit)

My point is… the advice he was continually giving me, he wasn’t actually able to apply himself

This was a big moment for me

I noticed it

Took a breath

And smiled

What a wonderful human being

Mr. Helper

Always trying to help!

Bloody kind and considerate

Clearly, he had some wonderful intentions

Just didn’t necessarily find the best way to go about it

But it brings up the question…

And this is, I believe, a bloody important question

Who’s advice do I listen to?

How do I know when to take someone’s direction?

In my 19 years of acting

I’ve heard so much conflicting advice in our industry

Over and over again

“Never have a plan B”

Vs

“Oh, you always have a plan B”

“Say yes to everything”

Vs

“Oh, no, you have to learn to say no”

Ugh

Exhausting

So…

Here is my advice

On taking advice

Lol

Okay

When someone gives me advice

I want to do one thing

Look at them…

I mean really look at them

Zoom out and see the person standing in front of me

Let me explain

Firstly

Are they listening to me?

Two ears

One mouth

If they are listening to me more than talking & telling me what to do

That’s a possible green light

Do I feel heard?

Do I feel understood?

Or

Is this ratio out of sync?

Do I feel like they are trying to fix me,

Before knowing me or my context?

Secondly

Craft

Do I respect their craftsmanship?

What do I mean by craftsmanship?

Well

What is their work like?

Do they have a skillset with some key ingredients

Namely

Growth Mindset - Are they curious? Or are they operating from a fixed place (where things are good, bad, right, or wrong)?

Responsibility - Do they take responsibility for the things they can control? And let go of the things they can’t?

Obey Nature - Do they listen to their body? Trust their instincts? Let their body lead? Are they willing to go slow?

Sacrifice - Are they generous? Do they give a piece of themselves through their craft?

Compassion - Do they believe in themselves enough to be able to be trust themselves, to be kind to themselves when the pressure is on?

So

Craftsmanship

Are they good at contributing something to this earth through their skillset?

I have taken more advice from blacksmiths, Jiu Jitsu fighters, swimmers and farmers

Than I have from acting teachers

Because I see a level of respect and care for their craft

Because I see how much they put into giving something back to society through their work

This is another possible green light

Thirdly

Results

Do they actually get results?

Meaning

Do they convert their words and ideas into action which allows them to work within reality

As opposed to just talking

Having cool things to say

But not being able to actually apply it in society themselves.

Results

Another possible green light

And finally

(& this is probably the most important)

The body check

How does my body feel when I’m around them?

Do I feel de-energised?

A sense of force, pushing, heaviness, closing off

Or

Do I feel energised?

A sense of expansion, light, love, honesty, openess

A feeling of trust?

The body knows (thanks Angie)

The body…. Knows

One last thing…

Did I ask?

Did I actually ask for guidance, advice, direction?

Or…

Is this maybe more about them, then it is about me?

Curious

So

If one or more of these boxes are being being ticked

I might take their little gem

And go see if I can apply it :)

If none of these boxes are being ticked

I might simply take a breath

Say “thank you”

And kindly move on.

Oh

Wait

One more last thing

(Just to flip this all on it’s head)

Sometimes

The best advice

Can come from the least likely of places

Like Mr. Helper

He created a response in me which led me on a path of clarity and direction

These days

I actually love training with him

He tells me what to do

And I get my little reminder to keep being careful about who’s advice I’m listening to

So I guess

In the end

He did actually help :)

Sending hugs

X