When Family Disapproves

My daughter now has the ability to sit on a chair without falling off of it

Only for a short amount of time however

Lucky we found a great ice cream shop

One of those places tucked away in a side street

With crates outside

And the latest R&B hits playing over speakers

The kind of place that makes me feel like I’m back in LA

Only now

I’m finding a place like this because I’m following my daughters curiosity

Rather than my own

I’m just grateful her curiosity is leading us to a snack we can both enjoy

The award winning “vanilla malt” kept her focussed for longer than I have ever seen

Ten minutes is a long time in her world

Small things feel big

But she feels them entirely

Then moves on like that big head bump didn’t just happen

Which makes me question what would happen if I just let myself feel things the way she does

How much less resentment would I carry in my life?

Maybe if I just screamed and fell in a heap on the floor

I would be more generous with my love and kindness in the minutes after releasing my pains

Curious

In the moments of silence between each bite of ice cream

I find my mind drifting off to a question I’ve been mulling over for a while

One that involves family

Relationships

Boundaries

“I have no idea how to answer it”

I tell myself

But I need to say something

I need to say something

Hi Michael. I'd love it if you could give me some advice. I've started getting auditions and it's an exciting time, but I'm also living with my parents again temporarily for financial reasons. My family are negative and often tell me in a number of ways that they can't see acting working out for me and that my efforts are a waste of time. I tried to film an audition this morning and didn't do it because I was so upset with my dad’s comments, I lost my confidence and decided to book a studio space for tomorrow morning before the tape is due. I find I waste a lot of energy and lose a lot of sleep trying to prove myself, and I carry shame and a bit of resentment. I'm a highly sensitive person and can easily feel crushed rather than putting myself in a bubble and blocking people out. Even when I don't live with them, I still care about what they think. I know they care about me. I know they come from a place of love and worry, but being in a state of fear is not good for creativity. Have you had a similar experience and how did you overcome it? I'm trying to lose the mindset you mentioned of "when I, then I", and instead have faith that my efforts aren't wasted. Thanks Michael. Gerri (Name changed for privacy).

Gerri

This made my heart swell

A bloody vulnerable question

And one that I know so many artists out there relate to

I find myself - surprisingly - pumping the air

You’ve started getting auditions

That is a bloody exciting news

Opportunities to give your generous work to the world.

Another celebration:

You’ve adjusted your living situation for financial reasons

Sounds like you are taking responsibly for your finances, Gerri

Which, as an artist, is crucial

I can’t tell you how many actors I know of

Who threw in the towel

Because money was something that was just too uncomfortable for them to take an honest look at

You can be the most skilled craftsmen in your field

But without a solid foundation of health, wealth and relationships

Those skills won’t be able to be sustainably given

So go you for taking responsibility for your wealth

There were plenty of times in my twenties

Where I ended up at my parents place for a couple weeks (or even months)

To help me get through a financial low patch.

Another celebration of your work:

(Then I’ll stop fist pumping the air)

Booking a studio on the morning of your dad’s comment

For you to go through a moment of dissonance like that

Notice that it was taking you off track

And then make a new choice

In order to continue giving your work your way…

Talk about adaptability, Gerri

Performers who are able to adapt on the fly like that

Adjust to what is being thrown at them

Bring things back on track

That is some glorious anti-fragility right there!

Please

Make some time this week to go buy yourself an ice cream

(Or an equivalent snack)

Seriously

Let your body marinate in that sense of celebration

Let it know it did some beautiful work

Work that is worth repeating in the future.

Okay

Gerri

There are many sentences in your question that I feel a sense of urgency in responding to

A desire to ramble, stumble and vomit some important points

Like my daughter letting out her instinctual screams and tears in a moment of very real pain for her

For example

”Often tell me in a number of ways that they can't see acting working out for me”

Can’t see acting working out

Okay

Tell me

What results do others need to see in order to dispel any concern of acting not working out?

I’m remembering a moment

Many years ago

Where someone looked at me, took a breath, and with a tone of absolute kindness and love

Said

“hey, I hope you crack that big one”

At the time

My blood boiled

I wanted to grab their throat

I was furious

Embarrassed

Ashamed

The story I told myself

Was that after over a decade of working my arse off

They still viewed me like I was just some loser struggling to “make it”

Like I was someone who woke up every day

And stared at the bathroom mirror

Desperately trying to convince myself that

“today is the day I’m finally going to make it!”

What does that even mean?

But the more I have thought about that comment

The more it’s taught me

The general public don’t have a clue

And

Nor should they

I believe this is really important to acknowledge

Why

In every field

There are extremes of recognised success

A minuscule percentage of pilots fly an F-35 Jet

A minuscule percentage of doctors do brain surgery

A minuscule percentage of entrepreneurs start a billion dollar company

But if you’re an actor

Yes

It’s one of those career where your worth can be utterly at the mercy of the public’s ignorance

For most people walking down the road

With a stressful job

A mortgage

A teenager giving them grief at home

Trying to cope with a stressful relationship

And those 40 minutes a night where they get to tune out and just watch the latest block buster

Then the only way you could possibly be okay as an actor

Is if you reach the financial or fame level of say, Hemsworth or Margot

The general public forget

Or simply aren’t aware

That there are thousands of actors around the world

Who - every week - make a living giving their craft

Who they could walk passed without even recognising.

Now

I would never tell a pilot “sorry mate, doesn’t look like it’s going to work out” because they only fly a little Cessna

I would never tell a doctor “sorry mate, doesn’t look like it’s going to work out” because they are only a GP

I would never tell an entrepreneur “sorry mate, doesn’t look like it’s going to work out” because they had a little 5 figure business

But if you say “I’m an actor”

You are putting yourself on that chopping block of

“Mmm... I don’t recognise you from anything therefore things might not be working out for you”

Then again

To play on the Devil’s side here

It was quite late into my twenties when some people I loved dearly

Hit me with the sobering truth of

“You’re telling us you’re fine

and that things are going well

But you asked us for financial support last week”

Damn.

Clear.

They needed to see that I could financially take care of myself

That was an important metric in gauging if acting was “working out”

And by that metric

It absolute was not.

Fair. Enough.

(That was the second last time I ever asked them for financial help)

If I am saying I want to make a living from acting

And I am not actually making a living from acting

Then maybe there is something for me to think about

It raises the question

Do I only want to continue with this art form

If my bank reaches a certain amount each year?

Mmm

That feels like it might suck the joy right out of the effort

Lets flip the question

What do YOU need to see to feel like acting is “working out”?

What are your markers or metrics?

Get clear

I know people who have a 9-5

Have four kids

No time on weekends

And one night a week…

One night a fucking week

They get to go practice their craft in a classroom until midnight

Then catch the subway home when its minus below

And for them

That’s enough

That’s joyful

Meaningful

They don’t need to be getting paid on set

Or walking a red carpet

Or brushing shoulders with celebs

For me personally

At no point since finishing drama school

Have I wanted to act every day

That’s absolutely not me and does not fill my cup

And the moments where I have used other people’s metrics to define whether my career is enough

Such as

Needing to be earning a certain amount

Needing be seen as busy working every day as an actor

Needing to be working with particular level budgets

Needing to be getting snapped on red carpets

God

Utterly de-energising

Resulting in

Auditioning for things I don’t want to

Or listing to peoples advice I don’t actually like.

Gerri

Finish this sentence for me:

“For me, Acting is enough when I…“

Curious to hear what flows out.

Now

When you stated that

“You’re a highly sensitive person

I easily feel crushed”

Man I hugged myself like Ray Charles

Music to my ears

I remember working on a farm with my mate Charlie

We had about two hundred head of cattle and three dogs helping us

Knuckle, Dale and Elle

Knuckle and Dale were sprinting across the vast paddock

Darting back and forth

Often making far more work for themselves than required

Charlie would scowl at them

“KNUCKLE!

Cum b’hind

DALE…

WALK UP

WALK UP DALE YOU MUPPET!”

They would look just back at him with their tongues sticking out

Looking like they had won the lottery

Charlie would laugh and sigh

But there was a moment where the other dog

Elle

Made what I deemed to be a silly movement which made my job more difficult

“COME ON ELLE!”

I growled

Charlie whipped around

“Oh man,

You can’t speak to Elle like that

That’s not in her nature

She shuts down easy”

I looked back to Elle

She looked like she was about to crawl under my motorbike and die of embarrassment

Her body langue was similar to that of mine when I was 9 and my voice cracked whilst singing a solo in front of the whole school

She made herself as small as possible and whimpered away for the next few hours

Rendering her useless for the rest of the muster

The second Charlie told me about Elle

How sensitive she was

How much she can shut down at a simple comment that others of her kind wouldn’t bat and eye lid at…

Yep

I felt like I found my spirit animal

Gerri

You’re a sensitive soul

I love that

I see you

That comment knocked you

You felt it

All of it

And yet you made an adjustment and booked a bloody studio

The work still got done despite the hurt

I think this says an enormous amount about you

And what lies ahead

I know there are moments where your sensitivity feels like a burden

But I believe your sensitivity is one of your great strengths.

There are so many general bits of acting advice which I struggle to hear

“Don’t care what others think”

That goes against your biology

Ridiculous

If you’re a healthy human you will care about what others think

And that’s absolutely okay.

Another one that grinds my gears

“You gotta have thick skin to be an actor”

I disagree

I know plenty of incredible actors

Who are deeply sensitive people

They care deeply

They feel deeply

And pretending like you don’t care

Pretending like you don’t hurt when you do

Gerri

To me

What a waste

You putting yourself in a bubble and blocking people out…

That sounds like a reasonable thing todo

The body certainly doesn’t want to be hurt any more and go through those kinds of emotions

However

No one wins by you blocking other humans out

I need to remind myself of this sometimes

There is a sacrificial element to being an artist

As their is to having any human relationship

Loving comes with being hurt

Giving your gifts comes with pain

I’m seeing this more and more everyday as my little one develops into a human

She’s an extension of me

And so when I see her in pain

Man

I feel that

We were at the water park playing

Another kid came up

And just swung at her head

Clocking her left cheek

I’ve thought about this moment

Especially as I daydream whilst eating ice cream

“I won’t let you hurt my daughter

I won’t let you hurt me

I won’t let you hurt me”

Then WHACK

My daughter has launched a similar style swing toward me

I hold her hand

Gentle but firm

“I love you

But that hurt me

So I won’t let you hit me”

I wish I could speak that purely to others in my life.

There are no black or whites in my response, I’m afraid

It’s family

And those are some of the most complex relationships we have

But, if anything

Your question gives me certain insights about you

It tells me that you deeply feel things

I see this as a great strength, Gerri

It tells me you are already building a practice of noticing the hurt and making adjustments in the moment to still give your work, your way

I see this as a great strength, Gerri

And lastly

There is something in your question that tells me you are not interested in measuring your worth as an actor by the metrics of those around you

Which I see as a great strength, Gerri

If you find joy in the effort of working on your craft

If you find joy in the effort of auditing

And you are not needing to please others with particular metrics of success

Then I believe you will be more than okay.

Gerri

Your efforts have not been wasted

I repeat

Your efforts

Your sacrifices

Your time, energy and dedication

It has not been wasted

That, I absolutely can assure you of

Hope this helps

X