When An Actor Struggles
Once upon a time
I was doing a play
I had to do it 113 times
I was playing the lead role
With some of Shakespeare’s most famous speeches
The production was set in London during the Blitz of World War 2
Which meant I had to shout these speeches
Over a soundtrack of exploding bombs, screams and crashing objects
On the second show I lost my voice
We then had the Monday off
I went to the doctor
Who gave me steroids for my voice
I got my voice back
But I lost my sleep due to the medication
I became very tired
And as we all know
Sometime when we don’t get enough rest
The world can feel like its crashing down very quickly
At this point in my career
I had not worked with any coaches in the world of pressure or performance psychology
So I started to believe some of my thoughts
And I started to judge what I as feeling as wrong
I became tense
On the 10th show I slapped the back wall of the stage harder than normal
I inflamed my right shoulder
It became so painful that I had to switch to my left shoulder in the following shows
On the 16th show I then did the same thing to my left shoulder
And suddenly I found myself with two shoulders that would randomly and uncontrollably drop if I raised my arms
Now
On the morning of our 17th show
I woke up in Melbourne
I was exhausted from no sleep due to the steroids
I wasn’t able to exercise due to both my shoulders needing rest
(And being injected with cortisone every week)
And I knew
I was walking into the next several months
Of being in pain every show
Eight shows a week.
I lost hope
I spiraled
And several months later
My best friend
Who happened to be on the tour with me
Knocked on my door at 8:30 in the morning and I was still drinking
Alone.
Safe to say
I was not okay
But God help me I was going to acknowledge it!
Just imagine
If I…
Michael
A professional artist
Getting paid to deliver work eight times a week
Put my hand up and asked for help
Just imagine the consequences
Would I get fired?
Would I be a huge inconvenience for people?
Would I get a reputation of being difficult?
Would I ever get another opportunity like this?
Would I ever be trusted with a great role again?
So I shut up
And I got on with it
Besides
The greats don’t complain
They swallow it
They be tough
They push through the pain
They suffer
They bleed
That’s what the greats do!
Right?
I believed the suffering was good
But I have to admit
There were nights
Where I would stand on my hotel balcony
And look down at the asphalt
23 stories below
And think
“that would feel better than what I’m feeling right now”
Nope
Shut up!
Push through
Gotta push through
Suck it up
Get on with it
A couple months later
My body caved in
The pain in my shoulders was too much
I couldn’t raise either of them on stage without extreme pain
I couldn’t decrease the pain without proper rest
And I couldn’t get proper rest because there were eight shows in a week
No time to rest!
Sure - I had an understudy
Someone being paid a wage to sub in for me if I needed a rest
But I will be damned if my understudy has to go on
I’m no pansy
Right?
Then suddenly
I find myself in an MRI machine
The producer has come out to take me to hospital with the production manager
I feel like I’m being a burden
I’m slowly slid into a big electronic tunnel
It’s dark
I’m alone
I feel alone
And it’s too much
I can’t hold in any longer
I can’t grit my teeth any longer
I start to sob
The doc needs me to be still
I try hold it together
I can’t
I whimper
Like a scared pathetic puppy
The results come
It’s a simple solution
I just need rest
Lots of rest
No more injections
No more painkillers
Just rest
But I can’t rest!
The show must go on remember!?
We drive back to the hotel
Just me and the production manager
It’s quiet
Very quiet
I’m pretending like no one could tell I was upset
Like no one just saw my blood shot eyes as I sat listening to the doctors results
I’m staring out the window
It’s cold and grey outside
Then I hear it
After what feels like a an hour of silence
Kelly turns to me and says
Mike
Everyone is wanting you to be okay
We have all the systems in place to take care of an artist in your position
You have so many hands which are reaching out to you
Asking if you’re okay…
But nothing will change if you don’t reach out in return
It’s up to you
I listend
I grimaced
And I slumped in my chair and rested my forehead against the window
I knew she was right
I squeezed my chest as hard as I could
And whispered
“I am struggling a bit”
And that night
I found myself having one of the most enjoyable experiences I’ve ever had doing a show
I found myself helping my understudy prep for his debut performance of one of Shakespeares greatest roles
We got all the supplies
The tea, honey, lemon, vitamins, steam machine
And we sat on the couch in my hotel room
Running the lines and blocking together.
It was the first time
In many months
Where I was focusing on helping someone else with their problems
Rather than stewing over mine
And the next night
He was wonderful
We all swallowed him up in a group hug backstage after the show finished
Celebrating what an incredible feat he had done
And the season started to change
The skies began to clear
Spring arrived
And with it
I got my rest
And sustainably finished the show
And ten years later
I find myself sitting in a cafe
Thinking about the first time I asked for help
Hope this helps
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