Overwhelm On Set
The following is a recent text exchange with a professional actor (It has been edited for privacy reasons).
ACTOR: Okay. I am on set. Have filmed a bit. As time goes on and there are delays I catch myself doubting myself. The other actors on set have been leads in ******** and all these huge shows with huge American named actors. Can’t help but wonder what they’re thinking of me and my acting and how low do I rank on their list. How bad am I doing? Why am I acting like this? Curious. I feel like I’m an awful actor because I’m not getting praised for being good. I need to work harder. I need to study more. I need to go back to acting school. I missed a stage of learning because how I’m saying these lines is rushed. I need to breathe. Have I understood the nuance? Have I missed out on anything? How do I become what people consider a great actor? How do I begin to trust myself when I know what I’m doing isn’t worth being amazing. Anyways. Rant and thoughts. I know I need to just breathe and put myself in the room. But it’s tough haha.
MICHAEL: Incredible honesty. Love this - thank you for sending. Such beautiful awareness and bringing it back to what is within your control (your breath). Permission to be exactly where you are. It’s not good, bad, right or wrong.
ACTOR: How does one get better though?
MICHAEL: Let’s dive in. Specifically - are you referring to skillset or mindset?
ACTOR: I’m talking about talent.
MICHAEL: Okay. Next question. What is your definition of talent?
ACTOR: It’s just that thing that makes someone effortless and good. Like they almost don’t have to do any study or homework or prep. It’s like the kids in school who never studied but would get 100% in exams, and they’d be all nonchalant about it. It’s like what people say “they have that thing”. I feel like I’m constantly being the mechanic trying to build the magic machine that will eventually trick people into believing I have “it” but the machine is currently outdated.
MICHAEL: Curious. Let’s keep going. This is important. Please name me some artists you think are talented (“effortless and good")
ACTOR: You. Phoenix, Del Toro, Plaza, Pugh, Chamalet.
MICHAEL: Firstly, here is an article I wrote specifically on the idea of talent (https://www.actorsblueprint.com/articles/how-to-be-more-talented). My second point… research each one of those artists’ backgrounds that you mentioned. There will be clues everywhere. Practical things that remove the magic… there is no magic. There is no raw talent. I truly believe this and have seen no proof that disputes this.
ACTOR: I think if I was to take it a step further, it’s that overwhelming realisation that whatever I’m putting down is captured and people will watch it. And they’ll not see my progress they’ll just see me in this time capsule. And then I’ll never get work. And I’ll never make that place of effortlessness. Because I’m constantly having to prove myself, that I’m better than I was before. I know it’s so crazy but it’s that.
MICHAEL: Beautiful! Brilliant! Absolutely nothing to do with your definition of “talent”. Just 101 innate fear of failure. “I know it’s crazy” - this is where the problem starts. Don’t judge these thoughts. Why? They are perfectly normal! You giving yourself permission to be exactly where you are is the next step. “I’m afraid of looking like a fucking failure… and that’s okay”. Sit with that, breathe that in. If you keep judging and resisting it then it will keep bursting through under pressure. Quick story - I had to walk out of a scene during The Nightingale because I thought I was about to have a panic attack. I couldn’t stop the thoughts “this is shit, I’m fucking this up” etc. The trick was I had setup a system on set - I created a relationship with the vocal coach whereby she would pull out her watch, time me for 90 seconds, I’d say all my fears, then I’d walk away. No trying to fix or solve, no trying to be other than where I was. And no judgements… just permission. In short, my answer is… Setup a system for when you start to judge yourself. I’m right here - so feel free to send me that 90 seconds when you need, then you can get on with giving your work :) Love x
ACTOR: Mike. You’re the best. And I appreciate you. Thank you for listening to me. I really, really fucking appreciate it.