Dangerously Sustainable
Man I’m lethargic
The end of a year
And the start of new one
Brings with it an increase of questioning & thinking about results
Did I cross off enough goals?
Did I tick important boxes?
How can I smash this year ahead in my work & career?
Ugh
Feels draining in the body
And a bit hopeless to be honest
I remember a time
When I had a piece of paper stuck on my wall
I was twenty one
I had just graduated from drama school
I had all the tools under my belt
I had all the drive and energy to claw for results
And I was deeply afraid
Of not being able to land any work in my first year in the industry
Of being the first one of my year group to have to throw in the towel because it “just wasn’t working out”
The new year had just started
So I sat down
And thought about what I should do in order to be a good actor who gets results
Key words being “should”, “good” & “results”
Immediately
I had a flood of things come to mind
All the bits of advice from three years at a prestigious acting institute
I came up with a program for myself
A good actor’s checklist
And stuck that bad boy right in the centre of my wall
Where I could see it every day
Some of the boxes included
“30 minute voice warm up every day”
“60 minute movement warm up every day”
“Two hours practice every day”
“Read one play per week”
“Summarise one acting book per month”
“Two self tapes every week”
“Get one film, one TV show & one theatre show this year”
The list went on like this
I still giggle when I think about this piece of paper
At the start of every week
I would stand there
And see exactly what I “should do”
Feel completely exhausted by simply looking at it
And then try complete it
Week after week
Month after month
Push
Force
Should
After a while
It was pretty damn obvious that I wasn’t getting everything done each week
So just to hammer home how important this list was to my success
I added a quote on it which came from my main acting teacher at drama school
“Michael
You will never be good enough at acting
Because you are too afraid of failure”
HA!
“Let’s see who has the last laugh”
I told myself
“I will work so hard and fail so much that I’ll show him!”
So not only did I have this great big list of shoulds on my wall
But now
I also had a little extra fuel of shame each week if I hadn’t completed absolutely everything
And?
Did I get more done?
YES
I did!
For about three days in a row
Then the wheels would come off
Simply unsustainable
Like bashing my head against a wall and wondering why it kept hurting
Now
Let’s juxtapose this whole chapter with another that comes to mind
I remember a time
Many years (& failures) later
When I got a call from my agent
To tell me the news I had just gotten one of the most enjoyable and fulfilling jobs I ever had
I didn’t pick it up
Why?
Because I was practicing with a friend
And when I did eventually call her back in my break and receive the news
She was dumbfounded that I wasn’t desperately clambering for more information
Or screaming at the top of my lungs
Yes - I was absolutely grateful and happy to receive the role
But I simply wanted to get back to practice
This was at a time when I had zero goals
Zero shoulds to tick off each week
Certainly no list on my wall of results to achieve
And even zero expectation to practice
I just kept showing up to peoples homes to tape
Why?
Because I was having fun
I was practicing with 2 or 3 really energising people each week
We would meet up
Share snacks
And then just play around for 45 minutes each
No pressure on results
No pressure to push or succeed
Just one focus
Playing infant of the lens
And playing meant fun
And ontop of having fun
Playing meant the entire concept of failure vanished
There was suddenly no way I could fail
And this run of practice went on and on
Sustainably for over a year and a half straight
So
Two chapters
One
All about pushing for results and doing what a good actor should do
Which resulted in nothing getting done
And the other?
All about playing
Which resulted in fun
And that fun kept going sustainably
In fact
Now that I realise it
That run of fun practice only stopped because I got four jobs in a row which took me away form the action
Damn!
I’m sitting in my garage with a deer-in-headlights kind of look on my face
Of course
When I focused on getting results
I came up with a bunch of exhausting shoulds
And I never maintained the processes
Plus I felt tired, ashamed & guilt the majority of the time
But when I focussed on playing
I simply did things the way I wanted
With people I felt energised by
And the only reason I stopped
Was because I became busy working professionally
So
What’s my point?
Going into 2024
Thinking about your craft
Thinking about your career
I have one question…
“What would acting look like if it were actually fun for me?”
Hope this helps
X