Making The Right Choice

“Hey Sheasby

Curious if there are any updates in regard to your agent search? Would love to know your thoughts on who you went with and why they were right for you?

D

PS. when you say you’re wanting to meet up for coffee to discuss finding joy in the effort with artists, do you actually mean that?”

Hey D!

Firstly

Yes

As I am comfortably taking time away from auditioning until Two Ugly Peoplecomes out

I really just want to focus on helping other artists with their craft & career at the moment

So just say the word and we can find a time.

Now

To your main question

YES

After a two month process

I have finally found a new home

And how has that process been?

Well

I can honestly say

The vast majority of the search was bloody painful

Which very much took me by surprise.

You see

I was well aware that there was resistance on my end

When my previous agent

The glorious Nicky

Told me she would be closing up shop back in January

I spent the next five and a half months burying my head in the sand

It was her who eventually gave me the much needed nudge out of the nest

And boy did I drag my heels

My daughter saw me walking around the house looking like Jim Carry’s version of The Grinch

Stubbornly pacing back and forth in a sulky manor

I want to be clear

I help performers with their search for representation

I give guidance to artists when it comes to who they choose to invest their time & energy with

That’s a weekly, if not daily occurrence for me.

And yet

I still noticed myself falling into a stinky swamp of confusion, fear and frustration

Let me explain

The first thing I did when I truly began my search back in June of this year

Was tell my partner that I was going to be stepping into something I find quite scary

Just in case I seem a bit fragile, tender or defensive

Then I asked three mentors whom I love and respect dearly

“Who do you think would be a good fit?”

They gave me five names in total

So I went to a cafe

And sent my five emails to private email addresses to see if they might like to have a chat

And right off the bat

I had one immediate rejection

They were very kind and respectful about it

As well as flagged some personal stuff going on for them

But god

I still felt tiny

My imagination went wild with that email

I told myself some bloody interesting stories

And definitely noticed myself attaching meaning to it

Like “all my efforts over the passed twenty years were for nothing!”

Mmm

Notice the dissonance

Take a slow, kind breath

Bring it back to what I can control

Keep going

Off to my four meetings I went

Out of those four meetings

I really like three

And all three said they really like me

Woo!

But

Rather than feeling excited about finding a match

I started to become fearful about not pleasing everyone

The idea of choosing one

And therefore saying no to two others

Began to absorb my attention

Again

My imagination went wild

“If I say no to the two others

They might black list me

I might never work again”

I had to slow things down

Breathe

Stop my imagination from carrying me into a dark forest

I’m a homo sapien

I’m biologically designed to care what others think

To stress over not being liked or not pleasing others…

Despite the discomfort it brings

Totally normal

Totally okay

What did I do next?

Nothing

I just sat and waited

And waited

And over a week later

I had three emails sitting in my inbox checking in with how I was going

And seeing if I wanted to chat again

Gulp

I felt clear about one way forward

Polarisation

To be so honest that I either attract

Or repel

Time to be completely true about where I as at

And what I was wanting most moving forward

How honest could I be about acting and the agent relationship I was after?

What am I really wanting out of the next few years in regard to craft & career?

This was a big step for me

I felt incredibly insecure

I felt like I was about to show myself

My true, ugly, scarred & scared little self

And almost straight away

One came back with a “thank you for your honesty, on second thoughts, we might not be the best fit”

And two came back with “absolutely yes”

Brilliant

Two left

What happened next?

I started to eat

And I mean

EAT

Snacking

From waking up in the morning

Until right before putting my head on the pillow

Something I have never really experienced

Uncontrollable snacking

I actually packed on three kilos in just a few weeks

I found it kind of funny at first

Quite bizarre behaviour on my end

I mean, I’m no stranger to a good ol shnack

But all day every day?

Curious

That’s a different pattern for me

And as I started to lose sleep on top of this

Plus the looping thoughts of

“What are they thinking?

What will they do if I say no?”

It really began to take it’s toll

Every hour of the day I’de swing to why the other one was the better choice for me

I kept asking myself

Who is right for me?

Who is right for me?

The one I felt incredibly excited and energised about

The other I felt very calm, easy and grounded

But

Which one was right for me?

Which one was right for me!?

Then

As another week went by

And I found myself once again not having made a decision

And judging myself hard for what I felt was like an inability to do so

I lay in the bed with my head flopping off to the side

And thought to myself

Is that really the best question I could be asking myself?

Is there a better question which could give me a better answer?

Curious

Which one is right for me

Well that depends on the context

About where I’m at

So

Where am I at?

There is an image that has been coming to mind a lot over the last year when it comes to acting

It’s one which makes my body feel home

It makes me feel calm, easy, grounded, strong

It makes me want to take my time

It makes me feel so bloody clear about my craft and career

I know

I know this is where I am at for now

That may change

Of course it will change

When it will change?

Who the heck knows

But I know

That it’s where I am at for now

Then it hit me

Of course

It wasn’t about who is right for me

It’s about who’s right for me… for now

And with that

I breathed an easy breath

And calmly fell asleep

Knowing exactly who I was going to call on Monday morning

After a relaxing and slow weekend with my family

Hope this helps

X