Jealous Actors

QUESTION:

Hey Sheasby, I have a question for you. I’m finding it rough lately when I hear good news from my actor friends (booking jobs, callbacks, this that). I feel like I’m in a good place creatively but at a stand-still professionally (i.e booking jobs & getting callbacks). I celebrate my wins/opportunities and focus on process, and I’m more content in my life than I have been in years. But. I find it hard to avoid (or probably more apt) deal with my feelings of jealousy for the quantifiable industry successes that others get. It’s like an ugly reminder that it doesn’t matter how good I feel about what I’m doing, the industry doesn’t want me right now. And this means I judge myself more for not only not being where I want to be in my career (I know, I know, impossible), but also for feeling jealous in the first place. I guess I’m asking if there are any mindset changes or practical things that would be valuable to get me back into a place where I can ‘Wait Free’, even when reminded of my lack of movement in the eyes of the industry?

Andrew The Giant x

ANSWER:

Mate

Thank you for this beautifully honest and open question

Yup

Jealousy

Man am I versed in that bad boy

Literally yesterday I saw a close friend pop up in a trailer for a new film and felt a sense of spite

A little moment of feeling left behind, like my work sucks, like I’m going nowhere, the industry doesn’t want me etc

And how damn understandable

When other people

Particularly close comrades

Get to do the thing we spend so long and hard working towards

Of course

Totally normal for the brain to kick into protective mode

We see people we love being rewarded for their years of dedication, commitment, hard work, patience etc

(Or… maybe we see what we believe to be a short cut or hand out happening for someone we believe doesn’t work as hard… Gulp!)

We see their efforts being valued

We see the tribe prop them up

And that causes reactions within ourselves

Reactions which carry with them a bunch of powerful shoulds (or should nots)

You should not be feeling those things towards your friends and colleagues

You should be a good actor and celebrate your friends’ wins

You should not feel negatively toward your colleagues

You should be positive and congratulate other people

You should should should

Bla bla bla

I want to make myself clear

Please don’t waste time pushing your beautiful bodies’ signals aside

Or judging them as something which needs to be swallowed and hidden

Feelings of jealousy are not good, bad, right or wrong

They are simply feelings

And the issue is never with what you’re feeling

The issue is judging what you’re feeling

Example

“I’m feeling jealous towards Doug… And that’s a bad thing”

I disagree

I don’t think feeling jealous is a bad thing

I think its a human thing

And that’s okay

Feeling jealous?

Great!

That tells me you’re a glorious human being

Messy, grey and complex

Every single actor on this earth

Has experienced jealousy toward another actor

We are in an industry with no clear linear pathway

We can go from walking on a red carpet today for a main role in a big feature film

To being on set saying one line of dialogue tomorrow

To not working for 18 months

To doing a fast food ad

To doing an indie theatre show where 8 people are in the audience

To being on an Aussie soap

To getting sixty thousand followers in a few weeks

To finishing that job

To losing all those followers in a few weeks

To getting no work for 6 months

To walking on a red carpet for your friends film (not yours)

Etc etc

It’s all higgildy piggly

And the more chaos & uncertainty

The more fear

And the more fear?

The more fighting to control things which are uncontrollable

God

When I type it out like that

I’m even more in favour of giving oneself permission to feel jealous

Of course an actor is going to feel jealous

To see a friend being celebrated for their efforts

That instantly brings up thoughts for me like

“They’re okay and I’m not

Their career is safe and mine is not

They’re going to get more work, pay rent, send a child to school… And im not”

Now

Let’s acknowledge a very important influence here

Media

Media does It’s absolute best to manipulate

Again, not good, bad, right or wrong

They tell stories to try make us care about what they would like us to care about (for whatever reason)

But one thing is for sure

There is a vast difference between the image of success

And what actual success is for the individual

Sometimes…

We can quickly be influenced into caring about things which are actually not that important to us

For example

Feeling jealoustoward another actor even though the path they are on doesn’t even align with yours

This of huge importance

Why?

The key to not giving a fuck

Is by being clear and honest

About what truly is worth giving a fuck about for you, and for now

The more clear & honest you are about what success looks like for you

The easier it will be for you to measure yourself by your own metrics

And not by the metrics of others

But let’s go back to your question

How to deal with jealousy when its actually present and plaguing the mind

I remember a time when my fears really started kicking up a notch

Previews for a show I was in at the Sydney Opera House began

And it was like my self doubt took steroids

The internal voices, the self doubt, the negative spiralling

It was running rampant

Actors I knew were coming every night

Actors who were working on shows that I desperately wanted to be on

I was jealous

Hook, line and sinker

And what’s worse

I was judging myself enormously for being jealous

“But I’m supposed to be kind and generous

Not spiteful, resentful, jealous!”

Nope

Humans feel those things

Messy, complex, humans feel all those things

However

It had gotten to the point where I felt truly exhausted

I was just tired of my brain going there

Moment after moment

I just wanted to focus on my work and enjoy my life

Not spend every 10 seconds on stage thinking about other people

I wanted change

And I wanted it fast

Opening night was coming soon and I was aware that if I didn’t take responsibility for my internal dialogue

It could take over

And before I knew it

The show would be over

So

I put my hand up

And after some wonderful guidance from my coach

I would sneak into the theatre 30 minutes for the doors open

I would sit on that stage

Stare out at those five hundred and fifty seats

Pick a random seat

And imagine an audience member sitting in it

An actor who’s opinion I cared about

An actor who I felt jealous of

An actor I felt resentful towards

In other words

I imagined a human being

And I would think of all the ways they were just like me

For example

Just like me

This person is seeking some happiness in their life

Just like me

This person is trying to avoid suffering in their life

Just like me

This person has known sadness, loneliness, dispair

Just like me

This person is seeking to fulfil their needs

Just like me

This person has no idea what they are doing in their life and is making it all up as they go along

Etc etc

Yup

That actor I’m jealous of

Resentful of

Jaded toward

They’re just a human being

And just like me

They’re trying to survive

They’re trying to avoid pain

They have hopes and dreams

They hide shame

Have regrets

Stew over the past

Worry about the future

They feel broken

They feel sad

And damn sure

They have moments

Where they feel jealous of other actors

…And that’s okay

Hope this helps

X