When It’s All Too Much

Once upon a time

I was stepping off stage at the Sydney Opera House

Night after night

And I simply wanting to give up.

I was 25 years old

I had worked my bottom off from the age 15 

And I was finally leading a major production playing one of Shakespeare’s great roles

I had an expectation that this would be a dream-come-true experience

But here’s what actually happened…

Very early into rehearsals

I was holding tightly onto what my expectations were 

Where I thought I should be

Rather than accepting where I actually was

And instead of communicating that I was struggling

I went inwards

I thought I’d solve it by pushing through

Using more force

On the second show

I lost my voice

(Not the funnest situation when you know you have about 112 shows left)

To combat this

I went to the doctor

They gave me steroids for my vocal chords

A side effect from the pills was I lost sleep

I became increasingly tired

My stresses increased

Again, rather than putting my hand up and connecting with others

I went inwards and thought I would solve through pushing

(I hadn’t learned other ways yet)

I pushed some more

And on the 12th show 

I hit my hand so hard on the back wall of the stage during my opening speech

I gave myself bursitis in my right shoulder

This meant that if I held my right arm up

It would occasionally give up on me

And just fall without my knowing

I did’t ask for help

I thought I’d solve it myself

I decided to switch all physical stuff to my left arm

And on the 20th show 

I gave myself bursitis in my left shoulder

Yup

I now was on steroids for my vocal chords

Was not sleeping because of the pills 

And had no use of either of my arms

Which meant I stopped all physical activity 

It was all too much

And it didn’t take long

Before I feel into a deep dark hole

Of course I did 

I had lost the use of my body

I was pushing emotions aside

And I was letting my brain swirl in whichever direction it wanted 

Which of course, under pressure, it did what it’s designed to do in order to protect me

And became very reactive to external stimuli

So looking back

It makes complete sense to me now that 60 shows later

I found lying inside of an MRI machine

Hating everything

And reactive to everything that was outside of my control 

It was our wonderful stage manager who eventually said to me 

We have all the systems in place to take care of you

But at the end of the day

We can’t do anything unless you tell us what’s going on

It’s you who has the responsibility to say what is so for you

At that point

I fell apart

I admitted where I was 

I told them I felt like a failure because I wasn’t able to handle things the way I expected

But that I simply couldn’t sustain what was happening any more 

And within 24 hours

I had physio appointments booked in

Doctor meetings scheduled

And was sitting in my hotel room with my understudy helping him with his lines

I dropped from 8 shows a week to 6

And began to slow down

It was the start of a new chapter for me

It ignited a curiosity in sustainable performance 

And 8 years later 

When I’m not giving my own performance

I’m helping others with theirs 

Why the hell am I sharing all this?

Well

As is the norm with all natural systems

Cycles occur

Ebbs and flows

Things come in waves

And I’ve recently been reminded about this idea of when it’s all too much

In the last 3 months

I have moved from Maroubra (Place of Thunder) to Curl Curl (River of Life)

On top of filming a new Disney+ series

Studying university

Teaching 

Coaching

Auditioning 

Car shopping

And getting a nursery ready for the arrival of my first born in June

Ugh

Of course

There have been moments where it’s been too much

And where I have felt completely overwhelmed 

So

This one’s for myself today

For when it’s all to much :)

Here we go

One

Notice it

That’s bloody sure worth celebrating

Why?

Because I’m aware

And if I’m aware

Then I can make a new choice

Two

Slow down

I want to do less than I think I can handle

It takes a shit load of courage to surrender to chaos 

And to do less in a moment where my belief systems tell me to push harder and go faster

Three

Bring it back to the basics 

Shift my physiology - move & breathe

Acknowledged and accept where I actually am - give up on where I think or feel I should be

Give my Reticular Activating System clear and simple things to focus on

“I am honest, I take my time, I focus on what I can control”, etc

Four

Prioritise what is most important for now

What do I actually need to say yes to?

What do I need to let go of, or say no to?

Again, it takes trust in myself to do less than I think I can handle

Five

Connect with people I love

People who fill my cup

Who float my boat.

And finally

Remember

This is not forever

It’s just for now 

What to do next?

Go buy an ice cream 

Obviously

So

To clarify 

When it’s all too much

Slow down

And go back to basics

There is nothing sexier than the fundamentals 

That’s some sustainable stuff right there

Hope this helps

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