Start Again
Above is a picture of my boots
Might mean nothing to you, but to me, these bad boys mean the world
They symbolise something very special to me
They symbolise me giving up
When I was 25 I achieved my dream
And it was the worst experience of my life
After a decade of training, classes, wearing tights for 3 years at drama school, embarrassing auditions, humiliating rejections…
I was finally leading on stage at the Sydney Opera House
It was a beautiful production
Critically and commercially a great success
An amazing ensemble of actors
An incredible team of creatives and production crew
And a beautiful pair of brown leather boots for my character
I had every opportunity to fly
But I didn’t
I fell on my face
Hard
I realised two things:
I had no understanding of how to respond to pressure
I had no ownership over my career - I wasn’t ‘doing me’
As the nerves, self doubt, negative self talk and anxiety slowly began creeping in each night
I began giving up hope
And by half way through the tour, my best mate Damo (also in the show with me) caught me on stage smudging tears off my cheek with my back to the audience
I didn’t know what I could do about the sense of dread I felt before my feet stepped onto that stage each night
And by the time the show had run its course
I was a bitter, resentful actor
Quick to blame things outside of my control
Finding all the proof I could to back up whatever fearful thoughts I was having
I then had the opportunity to go be on set with DiCaprio for two days
I hated him
He was effortless
It looked like he was just having a ball
But most of all, it looked like he just didn’t give a fuck
Like he was just playing freely and giving whatever work he wanted to
I found myself excusing his on-set success because of other factors…
His fame
His hair
His cool vape
He even got to have his mum on set - I mean c’mon
And I became so… so tired
Of all the shit that I was telling myself
The truth was, he was doing what he wanted, and doing it so well
And when the pressure was on, when 150 million dollars was on the line and it was time for his close up… he nailed it
As I was watching him (creepily), I remember telling myself
“There is no way I will ever be able to do that”
And if thats was how I was honestly feeling, then why keep trying?
So I hung up my boots
Literally, I took my character boots (that I stole from costume when the show was done - sorry Kelly)
And I hung them up in my garage
I took up some other interests
Started studying some stuff I didn’t want to
I even became a part-time carer to my paralysed friend (miss you Sambo)
And if anyone brought up acting, I was quick to condemn it
The ridiculousness of spending a life being rejected
The lack of power in getting work
“Too many things out of your control” I’d snap
After a year of being in limbo
I received an email at 7pm on a Tuesday evening
And I quote:
“Confirming Michael Sheasby for his meeting tomorrow with Mel Gibson…”
“Michael does not need to prepare anything…”
I don’t really remember the meeting - I think we spoke about how to get rid of rabbits on farms?
But next minute, I was on set, surrounded by Mel Gibson, Andrew Garfield, Vince Vaughn, Sam Worthington
And a large ensemble of actors all playing soldiers
Dream case scenario, right?
Nope
Still, I was miserable
I hadn’t washed the previous years experience off my skin
I found myself trying to hide from the camera
Desperately wanting to be seen, but freezing anytime the opportunity came my way
And eventually my part was whittled down to the awkward silent dude standing in the back
I felt like I was falling on my face all over again
All this work, all this sacrifice
To try get opportunities
That when I finally did get
I choked
But there was something different about this time
Andrew Garfield
Again, I was watching an actor simply not giving a fuck
Giving exactly the work he wanted to
Generously leading from the front
But what was different, was that I focussed on his process
On how he was actually giving his work
The time he was taking before ‘takes’
The willingness to fail
The folder he was carrying around for his character
The space he would give himself to focus for what was coming up next
Something clicked
He was doing the work, just like anyone else
The difference was
When the pressure was on
He simply jumped off the cliff
He let himself fly
I didn’t sleep
I kept thinking about this
And I decided to start again
I began investing ruthlessly in external accountability
I researched who were the acting coaches to my heroes
I researched who were the best mindset coaches taking care of athletes I admired
I took my savings account my parents had spent 10 years putting my pocket money into when I was a kid (thanks mum & dad)
And I asked those coaches for help
I listened
I made some changes
And four years later I was nominated alongside my heroes
When I look back at this time, it fills me with joy
A time when I gave up focussing on all the things I couldn’t control
And started focussing on the few things I could;
My craft, my process, my breath
And things fell into place…
Its an extraordinary time
But I know if I am wanting a 50 year career…
Then this is absolutely the best time to give up
Give up trying to control the things I can’t
And instead, focus on the things I can
It’s the best time to start again
Why am I writing this?
Honestly, a film I’m prepping for just got delayed… so I have time
And over the last few years, there have been few things which have compared with the feeling I get from working on my own process
One of those things, is helping other performers with theirs
So they can put their head on the pillow feeling proud of the work they gave
So I’m going to use this time to pass stuff on
The stuff I didn’t get from any drama school, acting class or book
The lessons, tools, tips, principles and techniques which have helped create enormous change in my craft and career
I hope these things might help you find some level of comfort during this chaotic time
So when spring kicks in and actors around the world start dusting off their boots
You’ll have some secret shit to help you take over the world
Sending hugs
m