Rejection

I’m driving home

It’s evening

The sky is orange and quiet

I pass over the lagoon

The coots are snickering amongst themselves

It’s cold

I want to get in the water

Chase them like I did as a kid

My father once told me

If I pour salt on a Guineafowls’ tail

It will become immobilised

Then I can pick it up and pat it

Thus

Many family holidays were spent with a salt shaker in hand

Running after confused birds in the Drakensberg mountains of KwaZulu-Natal

KwaZulu

Zulu

Meaning “Sky / heaven”

I ran in heaven

With a salt shaker…

My phone rings

Breaking me out of one of my many day dreams

I see the caller

“Nixxx”

My agent

My heart flutters

I know what this is about

I take a breath

Press the button and say

“Hi Nixxxie”

(Her name has recently changed from “Nixxx” to “Nixxxie” since becoming a grandmother)

I hear her voice for the first time this week

“Hello”

Oh god

There it is

Her tone

I know

My body knows immediately

It hasn’t gone my way

I take another breath

Remind my body to give up any tension

Let go buddy

We begin talking about everything other than what is actually happening

The weather

How my fiancé’s bun in the oven is cooking

Do we have everything ready in the nursery

Etc

Then it comes

Nixie takes a breath

“Mike, I really thought it was going to be a yes on this one, I’m so sorry, it didn’t go your way”

“I know Nix, I know…”

I reply

She can hear my disappointment

It’s been a while since I really wanted an acting gig

She tries to cheer me up

“I cannot, for the life of me, find fault in your tape

The work is all there, the team loves you

There’s just obviously other factors”

I smile

I appreciate her warm tone and the care she is giving me in this moment

“Thanks Nix”

Then there is silence

We sit in it

She’s good at letting me take my time

I feel the urge to put on a happy tone

No

Give up buddy

“This one hurts Nixxxie”

She leans in with me

There’s no false happy pep talk

There’s no trying to pretend it doesn’t suck

We let it hurt

Ten minutes later

I say “thank you for listening”

We give our love

And say our goodbyes

And I keep driving

I go quiet

Breathe

Breathe

A year of great screen work just vanished in front of me

Breathe

I feel stupid

I let myself get excited about this one

Damnit!

I shouldn’t have done that!

The shoulds begin

What’s my partner going to think?

Is she going to be upset? Sad for me?

I don’t want to bring her down

What are my parents going to think?

Other people’s voices are coming in hot

The head noise is swirling now

Bring it back to the body

Breathe

Breathe

This is where I am at

Accept it mike

Mmm

I don’t want to accept it

Now I’m getting angry

Fuck them

Their loss

Yep

Really protecting myself now

God my body is good at trying to take care of me

But I’m noticing it

I know this place

I entered the professional industry at 16

I have 18 years of experience here

It’s okay buddy

Slow and kind

You know the way

Go be honest

I feel the urge to drive faster

So I deliberately take my foot off the accelerator

I slow down

But its hard

I don’t want to surrender

It’s scary to surrender

I pull up in front of the house

“Always” by Blink182 finishes playing

God

Life is grey (the opposite of black and white)

I sit in the car

Not sure what to do

I get a text

“Look out the window”

My fiancé is pressed up against the glass of our big lounge room window

Smiling

I can see my first son or daughter cocooned in her belly

Ugh

She is so happy to have me home

I want to hide

I don’t want to tell her

I know how she’ll respond

She’ll go slow

She’ll be kind

She’ll hold me

I don’t want her to have to do that

Not again

Not again

I just want to come home with a win

Honey

I got it

I got the job

I’m taking you and JT out to dinner tonight

$100 steaks are on me!

JT is code name for Jelly Tot

The nickname of our unborn child

I look at her smiling in the window

She begins wagging

Almost like a husky when it’s beyond excited

Mike

Just go be honest

I smile back

Go surrender

I tell myself

She greets me at the door

I wrap her up

“Can we do shnugs?”

I ask

There is no hesitation

Straight to bed we go

We wrap ourselves up together in a big puffy doona

Like two cosie eskimos

All goes still

The house is quiet after a long day

She whispers

“Jt has been kicking sooo much today”

“Has he really”

I say, as I place my hand on him

Or her

(But we are 90% sure it’s a boy)

I feel him

It’s like he has moments where we does somersaults non stop

I’m reminded of the chaos coming

I smile

I breathe in my family

I open my eyes

I look at her

She knows something is up

With trepidation

I say

“I just got the call”

She looks confused for a second

Then immediately realises what I’m referring to

No hesitation

She swallows me up

And holds me

We lie together

In silence

While I breathe

Deep and slow

Eventually

She asks

“What do you need right now?”

I look at her

And I suddenly feel clear

I use to fight these moments

Hard

Try show the world that I’m okay

Try show the industry that I’m not upset

That I’m a good actor who keeps going

But after almost 2 decades of practice

I know what’s best for me right now

I smile at her

And step off the ledge

“I just need to let myself be upset

To let it hurt

To know that that’s okay”

...

Hope this helps

X