Punching Walls

Many years ago

I was cast as a main role in a TV show

I was elated

Rolling onto my third job in a row

Which meant I was finally feeling like a professional working actor

Flying around the world

Jobs overlapping

Wonderful writing

Intense characters

Cool accomodation

I just felt like I was in the arena

I felt like I was home

Details about the next job started to come in

Days required

Costume & hair

Top secret scripts sent to my house

The fun stuff

The cast was magnificent

We even had a big international actor coming in from overseas

Who I quickly realised, most of my scenes in the show were going to be filmed with

I felt giddy

But immediately began to feel a creeping sense of pressure

I felt it necessary to make an effort early on

We were going to have a lot of big and uncomfortable scenes together

So I thought it paramount to build a strong sense of trust from the get go

We had a superb first day

We checked in before stepping into a very difficult scene

And then found a wonderful sense of flow during a big conversation in front of the lens

We ended the day with a hug

We expressed a healthy dose of gratitude and excitement at the work to come

And then went on our ways

They were going to step into a heavy two weeks of solo scenes

And I was heading to NZ to shoot another series

The sun settled with a sense harmony

When I returned to Australia a few weeks later

We jumped right into a solid 5 weeks straight of filming

Having a lot of time off during a job is sometimes a tricky thing

Like with any group of people over time

Routines, rituals and connections tend to grow and find their own rhythm

And stepping into that can feel a bit confusing and clumsy sometimes

Like trying to figure out where you fit in the pack

It became immediately apparent

This international actor had a way they liked to do things

And that this way had been allowed to normalise on set

Alright

Fair enough

They are the protagonist after all

And there was certainly a larger weight on their shoulders than there was on mine

And despite my body feeling a sense of dissonance

I remained stoic and told myself

“I can work with anyone”

And then…

Time started to play its part

Like a little drop of water on the forehead

Over and over again

The repetitiveness started to worm itself into my temper

Not only mine

Many of the creatives were struggling

At one point I remember even the director stating to this actor

“Well whatever you want to do with this scene let’s just do that,

Because we are going to have to reshoot it any way if you don’t like it”

Ouch

Things were getting tough of set

If I could boil it down to one feeling

Control

People were feeling controlled

By one individual

Like they had to do things in a particular way otherwise that one person would take issue

Producers were getting their daily emails each night from this individual

Actors were being told what choices to make

Directors were being told how to direct scenes

Tensions were rising

And I swallowed it all

I grit my teeth

I smiled politely

And a deep frustration started to boil under my skin

Basic one-oh-ones were not being respected

If there was one thing thing I had not experienced on set up to that point

It was one actor telling another how to do their job

I found this really hard to manage

I felt confused

Lost

Angry

If I’m not telling others how to do their job

Why am I being told how to do mine?

Quiet, Mike

Smile

Now…

If all the notes had actually improved everyones work then maybe my thoughts would have been different

Maybe I would have felt like there was a genius on set who was drastically improving the show

But at this point I had over a decade of experience

I had been on set with several Oscar winners

And I felt like I had somewhat of an idea of things

So to me

When I heard the constant controlling notes each day

None of them really made sense

Truth be told

I didn’t think the calibre of their skill set warranted telling other actors, producers and directors what they should do

But there I was

Trying to manage giving my own work

But feeling like I should please the other actor I was working with

Quiet, Mike

Smile

Enter a helpful quote…

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”

I kept drinking the poison

To the point where it was painful to go to set

Quiet, Mike

Smile

Smile

Then one day

(Which happened to be the second last day of filming)

I just had enough

Ironically

We were shooting a fiery scene

Where my character was having enough of this other actors character

The notes began reigning in

“I think you should do it like this”

“I don’t think your character would do that”

Yikes

One too many times of feeling like I was being controlled

Feeling like I was suffocating

Feeling like I was compromising my work in order to avoid conflict

I felt hot

Dark

I looked at the director and asked

“Could we please have another rehearsal?”

They said

“Of course. And action”

I waited

I waited for my moment

And then I put my fist through a wall

Please take note - this was a location shoot

Not a pre-made set

So I just punched a hole in someone else’s wall in their kitchen

Yep

Everything went quiet

The actor fumbled their lines

They seemed rattled

But we made it through the scene

And then after…

I immediately brought my hand to my chin and said

“Mmm, I’m not sure that works”

The director agreed

“Yes that might be a bit too much, but I loved the offer,

Let’s go take care of hair & make up and come back in to shoot”

The other actor was quiet

For the first time in weeks

They had nothing to say

I walked out

One of the crew looked at me with a big smile and whispered

“you’re so explosive, I love watching your work”

I gently thanked him

But I felt heavy

Very heavy

I knew the truth

There is zero excuse for 3 things on set

Hurting people

Damaging property

And wasting time

None

Absolutely none

And I violated that

I damaged the set

And I hid it under the guise of artistic exploration

But I knew deep down what really happened

The problem is almost never the problem

If you trace the problem back

You can usually find the small turning point

Add time

And that small bit of dissonance grows into a monster

Where was the turning point for me?

Several weeks before

My body knew something wasn’t okay for me

That was my opportunity

To let my body lead

Take a breath

And say

“Hey… I’m just struggling a bit”

But I chose to swallow it

To please

To avoid small conflict

And thus, let it grow into an unhealthy monster

It was an interesting last two days on set

I reached out to my coach who guided me through the moment kindly & slowly

But to this day I still feel remorseful about

Something very important did come from that day

I had a realisation…

Like any professional environment

I don’t have to be liked by everyone at work

It’s okay

I can rock up to set

Try give good work

Honestly & respectfully

And go home to my family and friends

What's my point...

Permission to let things be professional

Especially if that means saying

“Hey, I’m struggling a bit”

Early

And vulnerably

Hope this helps

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