Desperate Times

I have a recurring dream

Or more specifically

A recurring dream sequence

I find myself standing in the wings of a theatre

With old cast mates

I find them looking at me

With somewhat concerned eyes

I try convince them

That I know what I’m doing

But I have no idea what I’m doing

Then at some point

I realise everyone is waiting for me to actually step onto the stage

“But I don’t know my lines”

I tell myself

Then I realise

That I have been asked to just quickly step in

For a revival of an old show I have done at some point in the past

Sometimes it’s Romeo & Juliet

Sometimes it’s Henry V

Last night it was Tom Stoppard’s Arcadia

I played the mathematician called Valentine

Yes - Stoppard named his Mathematician “Valentine”

In love with the world of numbers and the meaning they can convey

Deeply romantic about the unemotional laws of thermodynamics

I have pages and pages of dialogue

Monologues about the desperate attempts to predict the weather

And what will happen to this earth as it eventually cools like a cup of tea

Valentine’s brain explodes with glee

“It’s the best possible time to be alive

When almost everything you thought you knew

Is wrong”

I know my lines

Then

As I step onto the stage

To see what happens when I wholeheartedly surrender to the chaos of live performance

I wake up.

God I miss acting

I miss being in theatre rehearsals

I miss the playing

The experimentation

The slow, kind & intricate building

The smashing of what’s good & right to try find something real

From nothing

To something

Back to nothing

I miss the people

I miss the beautiful language & ideas

The glorious mess of experts having no idea what they’re doing

But yet still trusting each other with everything they have

I take a breath

Time to rise and shine

Kenzie Baby is now sleeping through the night

So we are up before she is

Which means we get to be the first thing she sees when she wakes

She does a little head shake

Opens her dark brown eyes

Stares up at her gleefully smiling parents starring down at her like an identical pair of Mr Beans

And then all happiness breaks loose

Arms go flinging

Legs go kicking

Smiles are uncontrollable

She simply hasn’t learnt to dull her emotions state yet

There is no other choice for her but to feel what she’s feeling

Happy

Angry

Sad

Calm

Frustrated

It ain’t good, bad, right or wrong

She just goes there

No hiding

No numbing

It’s beautiful to watch

A reminder of what’s flowing behind each humans’ eyes

When they simply breathe as themselves

Whilst fighting to present a facade of stability to society.

We meander to a local cafe

Kenzie Baby playing with Maurice

Her green dinosaur teddy

I sit in silence

Thinking about my dream

Feeling like an anxious cucumber

I notice the internal voices

The stories I’m telling myself in this moment

“I should be auditioning”

“I should be working”

“I should be out there doing it”

I feel heavy

Like there’s a knot inside my chest

Hang on…

Stop

I love this thing

I love what I do

Then why so many shoulds right now?

It was only the other day I finished leading a feature film

And was feeling a deep sense of contentment

Of patience

Like I knew it was okay to go slow

And take my time

Let things settle

I felt so clear about what I wanted to be doing right now

Being there for my family

Helping other artists give their most generous work

And getting some time in nature

Clear

So why the change?

Why the recent shift into insecurity?

Why the sudden angsty desperation crawling under my skin?

Oh

I immediately feel embarrassed

Ashamed

Gross

You see

A day or two ago

I went onto social media

(Yes - The Actor’s Blueprint is now on Insta)

And I stalked an old colleague

I saw what they were doing

They looked so busy

So smiley

So involved in the biz

And immediately

I began to question my decisions

Gotcha

I celebrate

“I caught the thought!”

Mmm

I’m just afraid

I’m afraid I’ll get left behind in the industry

I’m afraid all my efforts or achievements will become unimportant

I’m afraid I won’t matter

Well

Guess what

That’s guaranteed

I don’t even know the names my great grandparents

In less than one hundred years from now

It will all be forgotten

All my efforts, work, accomplishments and failures

Gone

Erased from memory

And that’s okay

And furthermore

I’m allowed to love something even if I’m not doing it

I still love being in nature when I’m writing in my dark garage

I still love my daughter when I’m away on set

I still love being in theatre rehearsal rooms even though I haven’t stepped in one in two years

Just because I have a deep love for it doesn’t mean I have to be doing it in this very moment

Or, more importantly

That I should be doing it in this very moment

Acting will always be there

For me to enjoy in my own time

And how beautiful to let others enjoy it in theirs

Permission to listen to my own rhythms

Permission to stay in my own timezone

Permission to breathe at my own pace.

I take a sip of my coffee

Kenzie Baby wants a cuddle

I slowly reach down and pick her up.

Hope this helps

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