Acting as a Father

Mackenzie was born in June 2023

Right on the winter solstice

Bringing light into the darkest day of the year

She was born in a very unromantic way

A breached birth which required some intervention

Some cutting

Some pulling

And the little bean was placed on her mother’s chest

My first thought when she was dangled upside down in front of me

Honestly?

“Where’s it’s penis?”

We made the decision to leave the sex a surprise

One of the last true surprises in this modern world

But the doctor had made way too many male-orientated comments for me to think otherwise

Including

“It’s going to be tall - like LeBron James!”

So we had spent every day of the pregnancy believing it was going to be a boy

A big boy at that

Maybe he was just trying to throw us off the trail

Because in reality

It was a little girl that was gently passed into her mothers arms

She just looked up with a calm and knowing gaze

And not a noise was heard

I can remember watching those two connect

Mother & daughter

And feeling like I was imposing on something sacred.

As with the practicalities of some modern day breached births

Momma bear had to get stitched up

Which meant I was left to handle Mackenzie for about twenty minutes

Alone

And to my absolute horror

I realised I was now solely responsible for the most helpless little thing on earth

In a dark and quiet corner of an empty hospital ward

I got to really meet my daughter for the first time

I stuck my face over the crib and awkwardly gazed down at her

“Hello”

I whispered

She stared back at me with a frown

Almost as if to say

“You don’t know what you’re doing, do you?”

“Haven’t got a clue”

I said out loud with smile

I was now a father

Or to be more specific

A 35 year old actor who was now a father

To be even more specific

A 35 year old, not-working-consistently actor, who was now a father

I can feel myself gulp as I think about that sentence.

You can see where this is going.

Two months later

27th of August 2023 to be exact

(And believe me, there are many experiences in those first 8 weeks that I’ll save for another time

Including a terrifying race in an ambulance to the hospital in the middle of the night)

I was driving down the road

Exhausted

Dark

Feeling stuck

Feeling hopeless

And was gripping the steering wheel with clenched knuckles

When I noticed the thought pop up

“I never got to achieve my dreams because I had a kid”

I shuddered when I realised the gravity of that thought

I pulled the car over immediately

I took a breath

I realised how terrifying that thought was if left to soak into my being unchecked

Yes

A thought is just a thought

But a thought repeated every day for months on end

That absolutely manifests externally over the long term

Into beliefs & behaviours

I thought about what life might be like in 2 years time, 5 years time, 10 years time

If I let myself believe that sentence to be true

I thought about who I might become, how I might behave

If I was to believe that thought was fact rather than just my brain feeling tired and scared

I saw a desperate, unkind & resentful middle aged man emerging

And then a sad and alone old man

That image rocked me

NOPE

“We won’t be doing that”

I whispered gently whilst staring at the drizzle pattering down on my windscreen

I pulled out my phone

And made a repeating daily reminder

“I got to achieve my dreams because I had kids”

Yep…

A thought like that

Who might I become if I was to believe that thought?

Yeah that sounds way more sustainable.

Possible or delusional?

Mmm

Not too sure

But damn sure a worthwhile experiment to give a red hot crack!

It’s been almost two years

Kenzie has grown from a helpless little burrito

To a scrambling small baboon

Leaving her tiny buttery finger prints all over our windows

Which I consciously don’t clean up in order to remind myself how lucky I am to be going through this chapter

I have not touched the subject of parenting as an artist yet

Partly because it feel so massive to even begin

Partly because I still feel I’m so bloody new to it

But also partly because I feel it’s an area where I honestly haven’t done that much reflection on it

I’ve simply been doing more than thinking

Which says a lot

It gives me a little nudge about how much life their is to be lived

How much work their is to be given

If I simply flip my ratio of doing vs thinking about doing

(Or not doing).

Regardless

Kenzie began daycare this January at the age of 18 months

It’s only since then that I feel like I have come out of a bit of a storm

And with a flood of questions being parent/actor orientated

It’s something that I do believe is worth sharing

Why?

Because I feel it is an arena where there is a very strong story which tends to dominate in the western world

“You have to give up acting, art, or your creative endeavours in order to be a parent”

Alright

First things first

No

You don’t

I have worked way more in the last two years than in the two years before becoming a father

In fact

Since becoming a father

I work more

Collaborate with way more artists

Sleep more (an article in itself)

Exercise more

Earn more

Read more

Spend more time in nature

Am way more efficient at getting things done

Need less time to prepare for filming

The list goes on

To put it simply

Having kids, for me, has meant more living

And more living has resulted in more giving

And more giving has resulted in more creativity

Why?

Parenting gives structure

And structure provides freedom

I have anchors in my day now

I know I’m doing daycare drop off tomorrow at 8:30ish

Then I know I’m working until 17:30

I will have from approx. 09:00-17:30 to snorkel, read, guide other artists & then prepare a scene for filming in two days time.

For me, time becomes squeezed as a parent

And like a ripe piece of fruit getting compressed

The juice spurts out.

Regardless if I like it or not - It’s getting squeezed!

If there is something I feel very clear about (and have conducted multiple experiments on lol)

For me, time seems to move approximately 3 times faster than it did before having a child

And with those parameters in place

I simply do not have the energy to allow doubts or small things to get in the way of living anymore

That’s an interesting thought

Before Kenzie came into my life

I think I spent a fair bit of time feeling like a ripe piece of fruit going to waste on the kitchen counter

Letting indecision and worries keep me from giving my worth to the world

Of course, I still have the doubts, the worries, the indecision

But I only have a fraction of energy and time to give to them.

That nappy is still getting changed no matter how much I’m overthinking it

That prep for filming is still getting done no matter how little time I feel I have for it

Yes

I might only give the prep a fraction of the time that I use to

But that creates a structure which allows efficiency to really start driving

And my confidence in handling chaos on set has grown immensely

Last year

I was on filming on a pirate ship sailing around Sydney harbour (yeah you heard that right)

And the 1st AD came to tell me - due to being ahead of schedule - we were now bringing the next days scene forward

I had to learn a monologue in about 20 minutes whilst they set up the lighting

If you put me in that situation pre-parenting

Man

I can promise you I wouldn’t have treated myself very gently internally at all

But this is just my experience

What about other artists I know who’ve gone through the chaotic growth of becoming a poop-cleaning machine?

I know an actress who was so damn afraid of calling her agent to tell her that she was becoming a mother

Why?

Because she thought she might get dropped immediately

She genuinely believed she had less value to give her agent if she had the restrictions of being a parent

She was pleasantly shocked when her agent said

“Oh, thank god!”

Her agents reasoning?

(And I’m paraphrasing here)

“One

By far, the most important role one will ever play is being responsible for another humans life

Which will make your spine taller than ever before

Two

You will not have the time & energy to stress about things that aren’t worth stressing over

Three

Your body will go through things which will make you more resilient than you could have ever dreamed of

And four

Great things for you, means great things for your work”

That was a pretty bloody wonderful response from an agent I reckon

STOP

Okay

I literally just got a message whilst typing this

And I think his is a pretty great example of why people can argue to NOT have kids as an artist

Let’s take this detour

“Hey mike, hope you’re well xx just checking in about a potential wet weather swap - would you be free to film tomorrow instead of Friday?”

Now

Let’s notice what’s happening for me

I’m noticing some internal noise around this message

“I’m an actor

They are paying me to do my job

The scene requires me

I should just say yes and not stir up any trouble

I shouldn’t be difficult!

I might get fired or cut from the rest of the show if I’m difficult!

Then what will paying bills look like in 2 months time?”

Now

What is my actual situation?

Tomorrow morning

My partner and I will both wake at 05:30

She will go to the gym before going to work from 7:30-13:00

It will be her responsibility to pick up Kenzie around 16:30

I will exercise in the garage and do my mourning rituals whilst Kenzie is on the baby monitor next to me

Then I will give her morning cuddles at 07:00 (if she sleeps until then)

Giving her breakfast and then driving her to daycare

I will then start guiding other artists & performers by 09:00.

I have three artists/performers tomorrow, all in various cities across the country.

Point being…

There are commitments which, if I go film tomorrow, will need to be moved around

By multiple people

Therefore

My time is not just my time any more

My time impacts my daughter’s routine, my partner’s schedule, daycare drop offs, my parents time, my partner’s mum’s time…

My time now influences multiple other people

And damn sure I feel guilty about my work effecting everyone else

I have an urge to make myself small

To hide from conflict or negotiating

But with these changes happening tomorrow

Things could get extremely chaotic fast if I bury my head in the sand today

So

What do I do?

How do I respond?

Well

I guess I be honest about where I’m at so that we can honestly go from there

Rather than pretending everything is fine

My message back:

“Hello! Tomorrow morning I have to get my daughter to daycare, so earliest I can get picked up is 9:00”

Straight up

This is a text I never would have dreamt of sending before having kids

The art comes first!

The film comes first!

Everything else must be put aside!

Mmm

That sounds pretty black or white

I think it’s a hell of a lot more grey than that

I think… it depends

Post baby

I have been squeezed into a life style where I have to take each day as it comes

Which is what?

It’s a smashing of belief systems

Parenting places belief systems under the microscope

Which means less black and white living

And a heck of a lot more grey

A heck of a lot more listening to the question:

“What works for me, for now?”

What works for me this week

Might not work for me next week

Parenting encourages evolution

Why?

Because a human who is reliant on you is evolving

And that means change

Change, change, change

As a young artist

I had very clear and hopeful ideas about a perfect career

“It will look like this…”

He says in a starry-eyed whisper

But what I’m noticing

Is that its a lot more like following tracks in the sand

Those tracks seem to go in a different direction every day

And the smartest option I believe I have at this point

Is to go with those tracks

Keep following them

Wherever they may lead

Which means

Giving up

Giving up on all of the little things I cannot control

What do I mean by giving up?

Surrendering

Surrendering to chaos

Surrounding to life

Cliche I know

Before finding out I was becoming a father

I use to have a very clear idea of where I wanted to go

What I wanted to do

Or who I wanted to be

Now?

I have absolutely no idea where I’m going

But I feel kind of clear about how I’m going to get there

By focusing on the tracks in the sand right in front of me

Following where they are leading

A message comes through

It’s a reply

“Ok copy that! Leave it with me”

I sit still for two minutes

I sip my coffee

Slowly

Another message through

“Scratch that! Filming staying the same for Friday”

Curious

There are lots of stories about what parenting should look like

About what the good or right ways to do it

But if there is anything I do want to make clear

Is that everyone is just making it up as they go along

Parents, artists, producers, production co-ordinators

Everyone is waking up each day

And trying to figure it out

And that’s okay

Hope this helps

X